Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.
– Tony Schwartz
Have you ever been in a point wherein you question absolutely everything that’s happening in your life? Well, of course you have. They say everyone experiences a moment when they don’t know what they want, where they’re going, why they do the things that they do, et cetera, et cetera. But being the person that I am (a visionary), I always thought that I’ve kept my life well-together the whole time. I always knew what I wanted since day 1, I always say the right things to get to the right places, I’ve seen myself in where I want to be. And I’ve lived in the sweet scent of success through my daydreams. I never thought that someday I’d be moping around unhappy with the decisions I’ve made. Growing up, I have been surrounded by people who belittle my ambitions and think of me as folly. But my parents raised me to shut my ears from all that. They’ve always been supporting and encouraging me to go after what I want—to never look back on people who bring me down.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can be great.
— Mark Twain
I only have two goals in life, and that is to be so successful that I’d be able to help EVERYONE in need. I don’t ever want anybody to feel the way that our family did whenever we went to ask for help—turned down. It has really hurt our pride and sense of self-importance every time this happens. Life hasn’t been a roll off a log for us. We’ve lived in four different homes and moved from Cebu to Bohol and back to Cebu again for the past decade, our family grew in number, and challenges never seem to miss knocking on our doorstep. During this time, we’ve sought help countless of times. And it was also during this time that we discovered the people who would stand by us through good days and bad. It surprised us to know we’d find more family in our friends. I know how it feels to be stuck in hopeless situations, and my family’s lifestyle have urged me to grow up too fast. To understand things beyond age, and to measure life in the yardsticks of adult years. That is why I work so hard in everything that I do. I don’t fool around and flow with absurd crazes.
Sometimes when things are at their worst,
in the long run, it can all work out for the better.
This can be a time for reflection,
to look at where you came from
and to visualize where you might go from here.
The hardest times can be
blessings in disguise.
Often it’s those times when
one opportunity falls through that
you are led to a better one.
– Carol Howard
My second goal is to live in the heart and beauty of life itself. I want to immerse myself in literature and art. To dance in colors, and still wake up in sunshine through the rain. I want to paint, sketch, sculpt, design, read till my heart’s content, write everything I think and feel. I want to travel back in time through the immortal words of authors and brushstrokes of artists. I want to see the world as it should be—good and divine.
But today, as I was reading some issues of EJ | USA, certain topics like entrepreneurship, volunteerism, and multimedia and digital arts caught my attention. I realized that people are doing the things that are fulfilling and worthwhile for them. They’re passionate with what they do. May it involve business and management, performing, creating, or whatever. I hope you know where I’m getting at… Yes, my degree program. Engineering. Of all the things! I’m already in my third year, yet I can’t seem to find any love for it. The only reasons I’m still here is because I dream to revolutionize the Philippine economy through engineering works. I want to improve the environment by supporting the sustainable energy movement, and going green with construction. And most of all, I want to be able to build, not just houses, but homes. I want people to feel that they have their own space; a place they can be comfortable in, that’s affordable and yet still middle-class living.
So here I am now, writing about how baffled I am on what I should do. My goals and passions aren’t riding along the same track. I want to be able to make a change, but my love for all things aesthetic and literary are telling me to give them a shot! Ugh, I don’t know! Most adults I ask advice from tell me “Oh, that’s just a phase.” “You’re just afraid of the uncertainties of the future. That’s why your mind is raising all these obstacles.” “It’s a test of courage, to see how far you’d go.” “Don’t waste time on art, it’s not a practical career opportunity here in the country.” “Continue being a Civil Engineer, and just make art and literature a hobby.” If it is just a phase, well it’s lasted for almost more than a year now. And no, I am not afraid of the future. On the contrary, it excites me.
All these advice are deafening, to be honest. I don’t want to make any impulsive decisions, and I wouldn’t want to disappoint my parents who work ever so hard for us. Especially my dad, who has big dreams for me. But I also don’t want to spend my life dejected and wondering “What if I tried, would things be different?”
Sometimes, I just want to jump out of the blue. Sail strange seas, as I say. I know that people will definitely vote for my degree program because it’s what’s “realistic.” But they don’t know my heart as well as I do. I know this isn’t just a phase because I usually easily grow out of things. I don’t feel the need to be overly-attached to things that are intuitively unimportant in my life. You see, when I’m listening to our Mechanics class, or Dynamics, or Surveying… I actually don’t have any problem with it. I can understand it just fine. But over the past few months, mid-class, I gradually find myself making sketches and daydreaming instead. Basically my notebook starts off with sines, cosines and tangents, and seemingly ends in couplets, and pictures of lakes and cherry trees.
What should I do? My reasoning seems to be very obscure. A little sense of direction from anyone wouldn’t hurt me. Anyway, I just needed to let this queer feeling out of my chest without having anyone look at me in a very critical manner. So yeah… that’s that.
Ever felt the same way as I did at some point in your life?